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Now that's foolish.

    • Lord, this needs updating
    • This too

    Monday, May 23, 2005

    Ordering Pizza In 2008

    In honor of the Real ID Act passed earlier this month:

    Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
    Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
    Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
    Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
    Operator: Thank you Mr Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is Which number are you calling from sir?
    Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?
    Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
    Customer: The HSS, what is that?
    Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
    Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
    Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
    Customer: Whaddya mean?
    Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
    Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
    Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
    Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
    Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
    Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
    Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
    Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
    Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
    Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
    Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
    Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long
    will it take?
    Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
    Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
    Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
    Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
    Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
    Customer: (speechless)
    Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
    Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..
    Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
    - Oliver Del Signore is a freelance writer and the webmaster for Backwoods Home Magazine. He welcomes comments via email to

    More info on the Real ID Act


    Blogger Worldgineer said...

    Font overload.

    3:12 PM  
    Blogger D.T. said... thas sum scury shit!

    8:34 PM  
    Blogger Dean said...

    In Canada, we've had a national ID for many years now, called a Social Insurance Number. However, by law, it can only be used for taxation and government stuff. It's actually illegal for anybody else to ask for it.

    Yours is different. Scarily different.

    8:24 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    they're trying to bring in ID cards over here - compulsory and yet you have to pay for them!! gonna cost sthg like 3bn GBP to implement. what a waste!

    they claim it'll cut down identity theft, but from what i know the criminals are always one step ahead of the police so will just copy the technology and make even more money (cos the ID cards will be so trusted). plus all the civil liberties infractions.

    oh, and this might apply to one of your readers, but if you plan to visit the UK for more than 3 months, you'll need to get one.

    10:54 AM  

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    Sunday, May 22, 2005


    So are the pictures enjoyable or annoying? Do they make the page load too slow? I understand that this page can't really be viewed at all in IE, but I really don't want to try and figure out that problem. I'm wondering how long before the pictures get old, and if it's going to be a pain in the ass to put up new ones.

    Actually, I'm not worried about it - I do this for fun, not because of any obligation.


    Blogger Dean said...

    Actually, half the time it doesn't load at all, it just leaves a massive white space.

    And it's completely buggered in IE.

    9:55 AM  
    Blogger Chris said...

    i don't see any pictures, just this blankness at the top that was never there before

    2:43 AM  

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    Friday, May 20, 2005

    Size Matters

    I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding. This is a first for me. It's in September, which is a good time frame for me to trim down a bit, though I was informed that right now, I am the smallest of six bridesmaids. Kim is going to be 8 months pregnant, Dawn will have had her second child two weeks before, and Jake's three female representatives are said to be taller and wider than yours truly.

    For the record, I am not a small girl. I'd say right now I'm 5'6", 150 (and no, I'm not going to try to convert that for the metric crowd).

    Speaking of size, I have now stretched my left earlobe to a 2 gauge. That means I can fit a pencil through the hole. The other ear is still a 4 gauge, so I'm a little lopsided. I guess I play with my left ear while I use the mouse with my right hand. Yeah, that explains it.


    Blogger Dean said...

    Metric people (at least Canadian metric people) probably still think in pounds when dealing with body weight.

    I'd have to think to calculate my own body weight in kilos. And I don't have a clue what it would be in stone.

    7:13 PM  

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    Thursday, May 12, 2005

    I Heart Everything

    I've been very content since Monday. The huge shadow of what I should be doing seems to have left, and my usual depression seems hard to imagine. I haven't tipped the scales to manic either. Life has become simple (even though it's not) and I'm enjoying nearly every moment of my day. I get up at ten, have a glass of cranberry juice and either read a book or Alternet's headlines. I make myself lunch, and if Ryan has class I make him something too. Most days this week he's taken the car and I've ran errands on foot, but yesterday I took him to work so I could get more done. I've accomplished small things every day (applying for a job, emailing someone at another college, looking for apartments, cleaning this apartment), but also spent plenty of time just relaxing, reading people's blogs and books. I cook dinner every night, and Ryan helps clean up. I leave him alone while he does whatever it is he does on the computer, though he doesn't mind if I interrupt with something I've read. We take a walk once the sun starts to set - one night for ice cream, another to the library and a sex shop (nice combination, I know). We've had above-average sex at least once a day, sometimes more. Yesterday he even let me pick out a book for him (the second time this has happened) and we both sat in the living room and read for about an hour. The night before, he'd picked up MY book, and read aloud to me for twice that. The apartment goes from warm to sweltering during the day, then back to warm at night, and I have a constant layer of sweat on me, which I find enjoyable and makes showering an event instead of a cultural chore. I've actually fallen asleep around 2am every night instead of the usual insomnia, even with the noise outside. Life is good. I feel like I could continue this indefinitely, even with a job, classes, bills, moving, and whatever else life throws my way. I'm not sure I've ever felt this way before.


    Blogger sxKitten said...

    Sometimes everything just falls into place and life is good. Soak it up - enjoy it to the fullest now. And hold on to the memories - they can make the rough times seem a lot less of a big deal, like a big security blanket, because you know you can weather the storm and get back to the calm, sunny skies you're enjoying now.

    Isn't it funny how contentment seems to come from the little things - the sunset walks, reading together, great sex (OK, that's not such a little thing) ...? I'm really glad you're enjoying life.

    3:30 PM  

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    Tuesday, May 10, 2005

    Another Insurance Rant

    I'm not going to go into the details because they're too boring, but here's the newest chapter in the "I HATE MY INSURANCE COMPANY AND POSSIBLY THE ENTIRE MEDICAL BUREAUCRACY" saga.

    Back in December, I was staying with Ryan's parents in Lakeland. This is 300 miles away from home. I hurt my shoulder, and although I wanted to tough it out until I got home, his mom insisted that I go to the emergency room at 8pm New Year's Eve.

    I had been having oodles of trouble with my insurance company, and didn't want to go, but she took my card, called the 800 number, and spoke with a representative who told us to go to Lakeland Regional because it was in my preferred provider network.

    So we went, we waited, we did the triage thing and then they sent me to the building next door.

    Same hospital complex, not across the road or anything, but my specific problem wasn't severe enough to warrant full ER treatment and the wait at the other place was supposed to be shorter.

    Guess what? Yup. The other place was billed by someone totally different than Lakeland Regional and I just got a bill for $225. $225 for someone to pull on my arm, tell me it's not dislocated, put me in a sling and prescribe me some darvocet (which didn't help at all) and recommend aleve.


    When I spoke with my insurance rep to find out why there were five different numbers on the sheet they'd sent, and what they all meant, she explained that just because a doctor works in a covered hospital doesn't mean the doctor is covered. Or just because a clinic is in the same building as the hospital, doesn't mean they're both covered. This is the third time I've had trouble with this kind of thing, and I was pretty upset. I asked her how a "normal" (as in, I don't work for an insurance agency) person is supposed to know this, and she didn't have an answer. I then asked if I'm supposed to stop every doctor that comes through the door and ask if he or she is covered before I let them touch me. She said yes, and that's what she does.

    If only Canada were closer to the Equator...


    Blogger Dean said...

    Well, it hardly ever snows here in Vancouver. Hardly ever, man.

    11:31 PM  

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