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    Tuesday, April 26, 2005

    I'm Going Back To Ohio

    So long for awhile. I'm spending nine days back in Ohio, then heading down to Central Florida to stay with Ryan's parents. It's like Christmas except it's April and I doubt we'll be getting presents.

    Though I did hear it SNOWED in Columbus over the weekend.


    Blogger JC said...

    Have fun here.

    Two weekends ago it was 87 degrees.

    Last weekend it was snowing. Bring a swimsuit and a parka, I suppose.

    1:36 AM  
    Blogger D.T. said...

    How fun! Take lots of pix and bring me back a souviner!

    1:40 AM  
    Blogger Carmi said...

    Travel safe. Sounds like you're going to have some serious fun in both places.

    9:45 AM  
    Blogger Katz Nip said...

    hope you have fun!

    3:57 AM  

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    Tuesday, April 19, 2005

    Happy Lifeday Kelly

    So everyone has a birthday, but I have a lifeday. This Wednesday will be three years to the day from when I tried to kill myself but CHANGED MY MIND. I decided I wanted to be here after all, even if life hurts. And it still does, but I'm not ready to give it up quite yet.

    I didn't do a very good job of living the first year after I decided I wanted to, but it's been getting better. This past year since my last lifeday has been pretty exciting. Last April was the party that wouldn't end (it started at 8pm on a Friday and I kicked the last guest out of my house at 10am Monday), which started the summer of parties that wouldn't end. Who knew I had such stamina! Who knows how I managed not to get fired...

    What else happened in that time... Ryan moved in with me, then we moved into our own apartment. It's a good thing we get along as well as we do, because damn this apartment is tiny. We're tripping over each other all the time, which I must admit is pretty fun.

    The most momentous thing that has happened is that I've finally admitted to myself that I don't want to be a librarian. I tried to ignore this fact because I didn't have a better plan, and dropping out of school to _________ was too scary of an idea. Now, I've made up my mind. I want to be a therapist. I don't want to get a PhD, so I'm probably going to get a Master's in Social Work here at FSU, provided I get into their program. I have until July 1 to apply.

    I haven't told my parents yet. I'm waiting until I fly back at the end of the month. I want to tell them face to face so they can see how excited I am and how happy this is making me instead of thinking about the two year I spent taking LIS courses that won't be worth anything now. True, the class credit won't transfer, but I've learned so much about myself since I've moved down here, the experience alone was worth the price of tuition.

    If anyone who happens to read this has had any experience with a therapist (good or bad), I would love to hear your stories. Even if it's just a "my therapist did this and it was great!" or "my therapist did this and that's why I stopped going." I have biases based on my own experiences with therapy, but I'd love to hear what others have to say, especially before I start classes and (possibly) get brainwashed. If your experience is too personal to post as a comment, by all means email me at

    I think I'm going to end up spending my lifeday working on an assignment for a class that I'm not even going to need. But I'm in the home stretch now: this time next week my semester ends, whether I have the work done or not.


    Blogger Dean said...

    There's an awful lot to digest here, but at this point I'll just say that nothing is ever wasted. Two years of LIS (Library Science?) courses will have taught you something useful, even if it's peripheral.

    10:13 AM  
    Blogger Worldgineer said...

    I agree with dean. I spent a few years as a Physics major, then another in Industrial Technology as a plastics speciallist, then a few in Mechanical Engineering, then transferred colleges and finished in ME.

    I consider it my custom 7 year plan, and I don't regret a single class I took.

    4:33 PM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    happy lifeday then kelly! so like, do you get a cake? :)

    "I've learned so much about myself since I've moved down here" : as far as i can tell, that's what it (life?) is all about.

    but damn, a 2.5 day party??? i've done consecutive nights with less than 2 hours sleep, but not constant partying....

    8:21 AM  
    Blogger D.T. said...

    Happy Lifeday Kelly!

    You know, now that I think about it, today is a special day for me to! Yeah. It's my unbirthday!

    We should totally do a double-chocolate fudge birthday thing! What do you say?

    10:49 PM  
    Blogger the Arrogant Fool said...

    Thanks for the votes of confidence guys.

    And Paul, as for the party that wouldn't end, I blame it on Dave. He walked into the house and said "I'm Dave, welcome to my crazy life!" I've been along for the ride ever sense.

    David - Every day is double-chocolate fudge day. Unless it's fudge and caramel day. It's amazing I still have teeth...

    7:36 AM  
    Blogger D.T. said...

    Girl, you preachin' to the choir! I'm still in shock that my poor lil' heart's still beatin'! LOL...

    7:20 PM  
    Blogger Diva said...

    Happy Life Day! I'm glad you changed your mind.

    10:20 PM  
    Blogger Katz Nip said...

    Im a bit late catching up but Im so happy for you that you managed to overcome that darkness & forge ahead with a new approach to your life. That is a huge feat & becoming a therapist would allow you to share that strength that you managed to find. I think the best therapists are the ones that have been their themselves. The rest are just winging it I believe.
    I dont have therapist stories really. I was never very committed to it. I have some whopper psychiatrist horror stories.
    I changed direction completely in my study stream too. At the time I viewed the 2 years doing a BA as wasted too but not now. I dont think any learning is a waste. Knowledge is power!!

    11:20 PM  

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    Monday, April 18, 2005

    Good Mood Take Two

    1. Today with the chemical cocktails, a good time was had. No Sarah or Stephanie, but Rico came buy unexpectedly and shook things up a bit. There was no life-affirming realization like I get with mushrooms, but there was a lot of laughing. I heard somewhere laughing is good for the immune system, so I'm going to assume whatever damage the chemicals did to my body, the laughing more than compensated for. It's exactly twelve hours since the chemicals were ingested and I feel fine and sober. Ryan and I went to Olive Garden and neither of us had any trouble eating, and he's already asleep so I'm going to assume I won't have trouble there (at least no more that usual).
    2. I saw my grade for my last LIS assignment - 88%, a B+. I did the math and so long as I get a C on this final (76% I think), I'll get an A in the class. Not that it matters if I'm not going to be a librarian anymore (more on this later) but if I'm going to be applying to other schools, keeping my 4.0 will look good.


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    Sunday, April 17, 2005

    Hello, Hello, I Am In A Great Mood

    1. Tonight, I got to eat at MORI JAPANESE STEAKHOUSE! Yum! We went there about five weeks ago with Ryan's dorm kids for Erin's birthday. Every single thing I had - soup, salad, shrimp, chicken, veggies, rice - was absolutely delicious. I craved the shrimp and chicken for weeks after, but a hibachi grill isn't someplace you generally swing by for lunch, and the only thing I can get the Kids together for is substance abuse, so a dinner outing was out of the question. Well, Erin called tonight to invite us, and my first question was, "who's birthday is it?" I guess these crazy kids go even when it's NOT someone's birthday, so we went to and I enjoyed copious amounts of seafood sauce.
    2. I actually began my final assignment for LIS. I started it Friday night, and worked on some today. I'm still far from finished, but the fact that I've been working means the worst (starting) is over. It's not due 'til Thursday morning, but I'm hoping to have it done before I go to class Wednesday so Ryan can take me out.
    3. Ryan and I cleaned the apartment. Well, the living room, kitchen and bathroom. Our bedroom is a war zone, but that's mostly my fault, my stuff, and I'm always kind of ok with my own messes (not with Ryan's). Plus, the bedroom isn't dirty, it's just cluttered. But yeah, we never clean really, not all at once like today, but we're having a little shindig tomorrow and our apartment is way too small to not be spotless.
    4. Yes, the party tomorrow. This is something new. We've invited five people over to drink chemical cocktails and trip all afternoon. Doing drugs on a Sunday afternoon is new to me (unless I'm still up from Friday or Saturday) and having people over to this tiny apartment is new also. A girl Ryan works with that I've never met is coming, along with Christin, her friend Katie, Sarah, and Ryan's dorm friend John. Quite a crew. And the chemicals are kind of new. I've tried one of them, Ryan's tried both. They're semi-legal (unscheduled) substances that mimic mushrooms in a way. I don't expect to have the kind of intense spiritual awakening I've had shrooming, especially not with six other people to pay attention to, but this should be interesting nevertheless.
    5. My earlobes are now a 4 gauge. I ordered a pair of 4 gauge eyelets and a pair of round steel tapers, thinking I would slowly work the tapers in until I could put in the eyelets. Well, the eyelets haven't arrived yet, but the tapers came today and they went all the way through. Maybe I should have shot for a 2? Also, if I put them in from the back, the tapers look like regular silver hoops, so they'll be good for job interviews and the like.
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    Friday, April 15, 2005

    I'm Not An Addict

    Lately I haven't felt satisfied after a meal unless it ended with chocolate. Chocolate milk usually does the trick (though if you saw what I call "chocolate milk" you'd be disgusted), but I'm out of Nestle Quick and anyways I want something I can sink my teeth into.

    Ryan and I went out for dinner and on the way home I stopped at a convenience store and bought

    • A king-sized Kit Kat
    • A 100 Grand
    • A Charleston Chew
    • A box of Milk Duds
    • A bag of Raisinets
    • A king-sized Heath bar

    I'd already eaten a bag of plain M&M's after lunch, and I see a Crunch bar wrapper in the trash can... not sure where that came from but it's recent.


    Blogger Dean said...

    That shit is addictive. I'm off it now, but if I have some sweet stuff after dinner (junky sweet stuff, not good sweet stuff like oatmeal cookies or apple pie or lime sherbet) more than one day in a row then I want it every fricken night.

    I'm old enough now that when I stop I tend not to buy the stuff because I know I'll just eat it. It'll make me happy for a few minutes and then I'll have to work like a dog to take it off my midsection.

    Life just ain't fair that way.

    12:41 AM  
    Blogger Brian said...

    Geeez, my teeth hurt reading your shopping list. Why not just integrate chocolate into the main meal? Chicken mole. Or a fondu with melted Mars bars. Or hasenpfeffer with a big easter bunny sitting in for the wabbit.

    Actaully I envy you your addiction. Your 'not-addiction'. Your predeliction.

    10:06 PM  

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    I just want to have clear skin and happy parents and strawberries and no set schedule and love and books and chocolate and good posture and a nontoxic attitude and clean water and a huge tattoo on my back that goes down past my butt and a place that feels like home and sex without pain and music and a way to meet and talk to like-minded people and skyline chili and mushrooms and conversations with people who think differently that don't turn into fights.

    And a cat.

    And a hug.


    Blogger D.T. said...

    If only sold such a thing...

    11:56 AM  
    Blogger Worldgineer said...

    The good news is that those are all achievable goals. Hell, you can go out and buy chocolate and strawberries right now.

    12:18 PM  

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    Thursday, April 14, 2005

    Loaded Question

    Oh Blogger, why were you so angry earlier? You wouldn't let me post and you wouldn't let me leave comments. Boo.

    I've realized something recently that's shed light on why some well-meaning words have made my conversations go horribly, horribly wrong: "Why" is a loaded question.

    I like to know why people do things. I understand that I don't know why I do a lot of the things I do, but I would LOVE it if someone actually took the time to ask me. So I apply this to the people around me, and when they do something I'll ask them why.

    And most of the time, they get horribly angry and violently defensive.

    I finally figured it out: "Why?" passes judgment. "Why?" says "I don't understand" or worse "I don't agree with you" or my favorite "you're a dumbass".

    But I'll ask someone why they do something that I do, or why they think something that I agree with 100%. Mostly it's because I want to see if we do things for the same reasons, or if we're getting the same result coming from totally different places.

    The other thing about me that I'm finding is NOT the norm is that I like to talk to people who disagree with me. I don't like to fight, and I don't like to talk to them so I can convince them I'm right - I just like to hear a different point of view. I like to think that I can learn from people who are different - probably much more than from people who I'm similar to. But our society is so damn polite that we're not supposed to disagree with anyone, especially strangers.

    Unless we're at a football game. Or a protest. But then we're supposed to choose a team, line up on our side and yell at the other side. In short catchy phrases repeated over and over.

    I'm sure I'll learn a lot from that kind of exchange.

    My revelation came earlier this week when Ryan was telling me about his job. He's a self-proclaimed printer-monkey at a place that makes graduation announcements. I'd noticed since he started there last month that he seemed to take it very personally if an order didn't get completed on time. He was always talking about getting behind because the printers could only go so fast, and sometimes they'd break down or he'd run out of a certain kind of paper or something, and he'd be upset about it. So I asked him why he cared.

    As the question slipped out, and as his expression hardened, I realized the weight of that word, "why". My "why" passed judgment. My "why" said "because you shouldn't (moron)". Even though what I really wanted to know was if he feared that he would get fired if the orders were late (seemed unlikely), if he took a special pride in his work (somewhat unlikely), if he was just very loyal to his company (still unlikely), if he got some kind of bonus if things weren't late (I would have heard about this), or if he was just conditioned to wanting things done on time, and hadn't really thought about it more than that.

    Of course, my "why" wasn't meant to be multiple-choice. I didn't want to rattle off possible answers to the question, just to have him nod to one and return to his story. And I also knew there was a good chance that his answer was beyond any of the reasons I came up with.

    I managed to get him to understand I wasn't passing judgment, I was just curious because I'd never seen this kind of work ethic in him. He relaxed and told me that if he was able to, he just liked getting people's orders done for them. He also liked working the phones because most of the time, he could help the people with the problems they called in for. He said something along the lines of "when I can, I really do like helping people." I love Ryan, but he's been an angry ball of testosterone the past couple months (maybe because we haven't done as many drugs?) and this "I want to help strangers" attitude really surprised me. In a good way.

    See, I learned something important by asking "why".


    Blogger Paul said...

    i know where you're coming from. if someone expresses an opinion to me, i often automatically disagree or ask them why they think that. it's not that i think they're wrong, i just want to know what reasons/evidence they have for thinking it.

    i want to see if they've fully thought through their belief/idea. i do this most when i think differently, but also when i haven't formed an opinion on anything. this probing can lead to me changing my mind - like since when i talked to a vegeterian about meat, i've now gone meat-free.

    unfortunately, this whole playing devil's advocate thing often comes across as argumentative attitude and people get really annoyed. i've toned it down, but it still happens

    7:48 AM  
    Blogger sxKitten said...

    It's funny how such an innocuous (and useful) word has become so loaded. When you're a kid, it's your best weapon in your information-gathering arsenal (also useful for putting off bedtime as long as possible. Whatever your parents say, just keep asking "But why?" over and over again until their heads explode).

    I don't know why just the word 'why' can set people off - for some reason, why is more threatening that what or how. Being totally conflict-averse, I usually engage in some linguistic gymnastics to avoid the loaded why in favour of "how did you arrive at that conclusion?" or "what makes you feel that way?"

    Of course, some people react badly to being questioned at all - I just stop talking to them.

    1:57 PM  
    Blogger Dean said...

    You could try softening the 'why'. 'Why do you care?' sounds just as you suggest it does: as if you're saying that he shouldn't.

    'Can you tell me why you care?' or something like that might make him less defensive.

    Oh, and as a young man, I found that doing drugs never, ever made me a less angry ball of testosterone. In fact, it was after I stopped doing drugs altogether that I got the massive chip off my shoulder.

    Sex, now... there was (and is) something that is good for my soul. I like myself better after the sxKitten rolls me in the hay.

    1:02 AM  
    Blogger Diva said...

    I'm right there with you - I love to hear the "why's" of others' behavior and choices, both to understand my own behavior and others' motivations.

    Sometimes (though more time consuming) "Why?" can be posed more subtly as well, without using the word. I can't think of a really good example off the top of my head (I'm not a morning person). Something like - instead of "Why do you do that?" you could say, "Wow - that's pretty interesting, tell me more about it," and then just sit there and listen, and many times people will go into great detail about their motivation and the "Why".

    10:38 AM  

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    Sunday, April 10, 2005

    No, I Didn't

    Finish the paper. And it's 3:42am Sunday morning. And now I might not pass the class.

    I've emailed my professor asking if she'll take it late. If she won't, I can't pass the class, so I might as well quit worrying about it.

    Failing the class wouldn't even be the end of the world right now because I've had a revelation over the last couple of weeks, and I don't think I want to be a librarian after all. I'll post sometime soon about what I think I DO want to do with my life career-wise, but my reasons aren't the traditional ones and I don't want anyone to react to my choice before I can explain myself.

    And if you're wondering WHY the paper didn't get finished on time, well, I worked on it some Thursday, I think. I can't remember, actually. I couldn't sleep again Wednesday night, then woke up thinking I had to take Ryan to work but didn't (he drove himself), went to my class that afternoon, came home and ____________________.

    I have no idea what I did. Maybe I worked on the paper some. All I know is that at 11:30 that night, Sarah called and asked me if I could take her to Jacksonville the next day.

    As the acting big sister of my group of friends (since I'm at least three years older than the next oldest) I get called on with all sorts of questions and in all manner of crises. Sarah called a couple of weeks ago with a question about RU486, and it took about .5 seconds for me to figure out she wasn't asking for a friend. I gave her all the information I had based on taking ANOTHER of the girls last year, and told her I'd go with her if she needed me to.

    She didn't bring it up again, so I figured everything was squared away.

    Well, I guess she HAD lined someone else up to go, but suddenly that girl couldn't get off work so at 11:30 the night before she called me.

    Choice: tell her no and turn the paper in on-time, or suffer the consequences of a late paper.

    I didn't even hesitate. I told her the paper could wait, and to call me when she left in the morning so I'd be ready when she arrived.

    I guess there was a third choice: I could have stayed up all night, finished (or at least did part) of the paper, slept in the car on the drive there, slept in the clinic, filled up on caffeine and drove home (to finish the paper if I hadn't the night before).

    Instead, I worked on it for another hour or so, then went to bed. I slept awful - nightmares again - and the morning was a mess - I didn't realize that I still needed to drive Ryan to class, then Sarah arrived but we had to wait until after I brought Ryan back home. Once at the clinic the ultrasound said that Sarah was nine and a half weeks pregnant, not seven like she thought. The catch is, Sarah had been in a lesbian relationship. She and her girlfriend invited a guy to bed with them on a trip exactly seven weeks ago Friday, so it's not like there was any question in her mind about when this happened. But the doctor had to go by the ultrasound, and it was too late for her to get the pill.

    I was so scared for her. I've heard all sorts of horror stories about surgical abortions. But when she was finished, she said she didn't remember any of it. They gave her an IV sedation, and she remembered lying down, and getting dressed afterwards. She was pretty woozy and not at all ready for a three hour drive home, so instead we drove 30 minutes to her friend's house. We hung out there for a couple of hours. Now I was kind of irritated, but a part of me knew even if we'd gone straight home I wouldn't have finished the paper on time, and I just wanted Sarah to feel better. She and Joe smoked a bowl while I munched on pringles, and he gave her some sweet gayboy vibes. She perked up and calmed down at the same time, if that's possible, then we headed home. I pulled in about 10pm, exhausted, and went straight to bed without setting an alarm. At least it was cool enough to keep the windows shut, so I didn't have the bar noise keeping me up all night.

    I woke up Saturday and went straight to the computer. Still in a sleepy haze, I checked my email before I started working on the paper. I was having trouble reading the screen, but I figured I had goo in my eyes. I washed my face, but it didn't seem to help.

    I thought maybe I needed to eat something, so I went in the kitchen.

    The bright, white kitchen with the sun streaming in.

    And I realized the spots in my vision were the beginnings of a migraine.

    I think the highest number of migraines I've had in a year has been three. And I went a couple of years with only one. I already had one this semester, and the unfairness of getting one when I really, REALLY had something I needed to do put me in denial for a little bit.

    The thing is, I knew if it was a false alarm but I took the medicine anyways, I'd be worthless for writing the paper.

    But if it WASN'T a false alarm, and I didn't take the medicine, I'd be worthless AND in pain.

    So I took the medicine, went back to bed (with my head propped up) and suffered a small amount of pain but some crazy half-dreams-half-hallucinations.

    I was able to get up around 4pm.

    By 6pm I could flush the toilet or hear a car door slam without hurting.

    By 8pm I could read the computer screen fine, except for screens that were mostly whitespace.

    Like a paper.


    And now? Why have I written this epic instead of the paper? I'm not entirely sure. I tried to go to sleep about two hours ago, but was so restless (thank you migraine meds) that it was useless. I got up to write my professor, asking if I should even continue working on it now that it'll be over 48 hours late, and I just didn't go back to bed.

    I'm not sharp enough to write it. I'm not focused enough. My writing so far has jumped from subject to subject, point to point. I've basically been writing unrelated paragraphs, and my voice (and therefore punctuation) is nearly as casual as this post.

    Part of me wants her to tell me not to bother, to chalk this semester (and this program, though she doesn't know that) up as a loss and move on. Oh! Move on! That will give me time to find a job before all the seniors graduate and the undergrads finish finals. It will give me a chance to really research this new direction I want to go, and make sure it's feasible (I don't want to have to get a PhD, or another undergraduate degree). It will make me feel kind of bad about myself, but oh so relieved on the other hand.

    But quitting on my own won't, so I'm going to bed and hopefully will wake to an email.



    Blogger Dean said...

    As someone who waited too long to do things he really wanted to do, I say 'Go where the heart wills'.

    8:08 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    sounds rough.

    only thing i can help with is that if you're working in Word, you can set up the screen to have white text on a blue background. it's much easier on the eyes if you;re staring at it for a long time. it's under the general tab in the options menu

    8:11 AM  
    Blogger sxKitten said...

    Sounds like you had a hell of a week. I hope everything works out the way you want. Good luck!

    11:47 PM  
    Blogger the Arrogant Fool said...

    Thanks for the support kiddos, and PAUL oh my god the blue screen is BRILLIANT and you've saved my brain.

    1:13 AM  
    Blogger Katz Nip said...

    I will be interested in hearing your thoughts on librarianship. Ive had a number of friends who are librarians. None of them were stereotypical librarians & they are all so 'well read' its great to talk books with them.

    I get migraines too - they are goddamn vicious if I dont medicate them soon enough. What drug do you use? I have indocid suppositories (sorry if that's too much info) but they work %90 of the time restoring me to complete normality in 30 to 45 minutes which I love.

    With the foggy mind & study stuff, I hope you get past this blockade. Ive successfully used the tactic of setting 1 or 2 hour blocks to work/study in then after that time I walk for at least 1/2 hour. Then I sit down for another 1 or 2 hours (whichever works best for you) and so on. Walking really helps clear the fog & open the flow

    8:36 PM  
    Blogger Dean said...

    That white on blue scheme actually goes way, way back to the beginning, when it was offered because Wordperfect was white on blue.

    If you find the white burning your eyes, maybe the refresh rate on your monitor is too low. Some people are really badly affected by a low refresh rate. I'm one of them. The default is 60 Hz, and that's just too low for me. If it's set at 60, check and see if you can bump it up. That might solve your problem.

    11:36 PM  

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    Thursday, April 07, 2005

    Stay Of Execution

    I missed class Monday.

    I missed class Monday because I was at the hospital with Ryan. He was having surgery to repair his hernia.

    I didn't want to miss class, because an assignment worth 25% of my grade was due Wednesday (today) (yesterday actually) and that class would be the last chance I had to talk to the professor about a part of the project that was troubling me.

    I knew I would miss class because class is at 3:35 and Ryan needed to be at the hospital at 2:30. If they'd stuck a bandaid on him and put him back in the car I wouldn't have made it back in time for class. As it was, he didn't go back for surgery until after 6pm. I could have dropped him off, gone to class, and returned while he was in the same room.

    I didn't know this.

    I also made a big deal about him coming with me for my colpo last month, even though he'd have to miss work. I wasn't about to abandon him (even for such an important class) after making such a stink about him abandoning me.

    I was at that damn hospital for 12 hours.

    Not only did I miss class, but I didn't get to work on my assignment in the evening, like I planned.

    I didn't even get to bring him home. I got home around 2am, and he called around 8am asking me to pick him up, and also fill his prescription. I guess I was a real asshole on the phone. I'm not a morning person.

    It still took over an hour to get him out of the hospital.

    Then the pharmacy told me he wasn't insured. I spent another half an hour at the pharmacy before just paying for the damn prescription.

    When we finally got home, I went back to bed. Slept through my Tuesday class.

    Then things got really weird. I went to the grocery because Ryan wanted cream of wheat, and I got us dinner. This took about two hours. After dinner, I felt like someone had drugged me and I fell asleep fully clothed, with the lights on. I woke up around 10 or 11, was starving, and sat in the kitchen eating dill pickles and reading Tom Robbins. Then I couldn't fall back to sleep until after 4am.

    In the morning, I had to get up before 9am to take Ryan to class. I didn't bother to go back to sleep because I knew I had to pick him up at 10. Then he wasn't sure if he was going to go to work or not, so I stayed up until he finally called his boss and said he was staying home. So I went back to sleep. I woke up, took a shower, and went to class. The class where the paper was due. I wasn't sure if it was already due, or if it was due at midnight, but either way I didn't have it.

    Then, my professor tells me it's due FRIDAY!!!

    So did I come home and start working on it? OF COURSE NOT! I made dinner, read some, felt drugged AGAIN, fell asleep AGAIN, woke up around 9pm, ate some more, read some more, watched a movie with Ryan and here I am on the blog instead of working on the paper.

    I think the time change has something to do with the random falling asleep.

    Oh, and during the 3 and 4 hours of sleep I have been getting, I've had some crazy nightmares. In one I was attacked by a praying mantis. Or was it a walking stick... some kind of big skinny should-be-harmless insect. I can't remember the others, but I haven't woken feeling rested in awhile.

    But at least the paper isn't due yet.


    Blogger D.T. said...

    LMAO...OMG, dude, do I ever know how you feel!

    So...what then? What happened today? I gotta know the ending!

    2:51 PM  
    Blogger sxKitten said...

    There's nothing like a looming deadline to get the words flowing, right?

    Did you make it?

    4:14 PM  

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    Saturday, April 02, 2005

    Ultra 7 Memories

    • Wanting to leave at noon Friday. Agreeing to leave at 4pm Friday. Actually getting on the road around 8pm Friday.
    • Discovering the rental car had expired tags
    • The cavalier changing drivers three times while I never stopped
    • Ryan being impressed with my driving
    • Having a cooler full of fruit everyone shared when we stopped
    • Getting the iPod to work through the rental car's speakers
    • Discovering the iPod's battery life is only 4 hours
    • Sitting on the hood of the rental in front of the Intercontinental while the rest of the Kids carried the stuff in
    • 13 of us sleeping in one hotel room
    • Actually getting sleep
    • Hearing the bass from the soundchecks at 10am
    • Putting on that thick 50SPF sunscreen
    • Roaming around downtown Miami with Ryan looking for lunch
    • Noticing we're the only white people in the mall
    • Running into our group at Quizno's
    • Old white guy asking if Ultra was a car show
    • Everyone agreeing to use the lobby bathroom for anything "serious"
    • Ryan deciding to trip while we waited for the other Kids to arrive
    • Ryan tripping so hard I had to help him put his pants on
    • Donning my tank top with glowsticks glued on it
    • All the girls figuring out how to smuggle drugs into the event
    • Joe not having his ID for will call
    • Joe being able to get his ticket anyway
    • Scarfing down a mushroom at the last minute
    • All of us FINALLY going to the event
    • Sarah calling from the freeway, asking for directions
    • Freaking out in line, convinced my stash would be discovered and I would go to jail
    • Not being able to get out of line
    • No one understanding I was panicking
    • Being patted down by security
    • Being waved through
    • Trying to talk on a cell phone with all that noise
    • Will spinning me around and crushing candy into my chest
    • Finding Jeppetto
    • Seeing Tom and Ryan dance to the end of Armin Van Buuren's set
    • Seeing Courtney
    • Looking for the "guy in a straw hat"
    • Realizing the "guy in a straw hat" is Juan
    • Tiffany mugging Ryan and knocking his flashing button off
    • Actually FINDING the button in that crowd and reattaching it
    • Ferry Corsten (or Liquid Todd?) laying down "Fight For Your Right"
    • Finding all the Kids for Paul Oakenfold's set
    • Not liking ANYTHING Oakenfold spun, but getting carried away by the energy of the audience
    • All of us leaving together for Carl Cox
    • Matt promising me a bathroom
    • Ryan and I splitting because I was going to piss myself
    • Waiting 20 minutes for a port-a-john
    • "He's doing drugs in there"
    • Seeing Courtney, Jeppetto and Juan in line
    • Thinking to myself "lock the door spit out your gum untie your pants get out the drugs pee swallow two wash them down put two more in your mouth put the rest in your pocket pull up your pants retie them outside get to Ryan wait wait wait kiss him"
    • All that actually working
    • First time ever not being terrified by/sick from a port-a-john
    • Losing Jeppetto and crew
    • CARL COX
    • Missy calling me 8 times during Carl Cox
    • Finally leaving the tent to call her back, convinced her group got arrested or something awful
    • Missy just looking for her brother ("It's just me and Ryan, we don't know where anyone is")
    • Leaving Ryan under the cameras dancing while I stood in line for water
    • Talking to Tim and Chon from Chicago who drove all the way to see Rabbit in the Moon
    • Big black girl in a short skirt asking me for drugs
    • Girl at the register tells me they're out of water (though I see two truckloads of bottles behind her)
    • Walking by all the meat tents, ew
    • Buying Ryan glowsticks
    • Ryan and I push to the middle of the Amphitheater for
    • TIESTO
    • Tiesto - my most anticipated set, being all foreplay and no fucking. He would lift us up up UP but never take us anywhere. No release. Still spun some great songs though.
    • The little blonde chick behind me screaming "Love Comes Again" looking absolutely blissed out
    • Sharing water with strangers
    • European guys who didn't seem to speak any English
    • Strangers sharing water with me
    • Getting overheated, fearing I was going to be another "raver casualty"
    • Getting over it
    • Ryan giving two blissed out kids a light show
    • The glowsticks falling off my shirt
    • Sarah's crew finally making it inside
    • Taking a break with them
    • Guy in Gumby suit
    • Tiny skinny girls with HUGE BOOBS
    • Some obvious Narc harassing us about where to get acid (I tell him, "that's wishful thinking")
    • Dancing on a bench while Ryan goes looking for Tiffany
    • Sarah spanking short Latino boy with nice butt
    • Standing by the fountain, under the big orange balloon, trying to explain to EVERYONE where we are and NO ONE finding us
    • Running into Neil who happened to meet a girl from Tally
    • Finding the Kids after the show ended
    • Telling them we're going to see Sasha & Digweed with Sarah's crew
    • Kelli seeming upset
    • Getting spanked by a British gal with a palm frond
    • Sarah puking as we leave
    • Scalping one ticket
    • Waiting in line for Carry On tickets
    • Neil and his new friend (Melanie?) skipping out on the Carry On
    • Actually getting another ticket from the box office
    • Walking through what seemed like an abandoned part of Miami to get to Sarah's hotel
    • Taking a shower
    • Talking Jenny into coming
    • Sarah puking as we walked to the Carry On
    • Creepy guys at bus stop
    • Chevy not being allowed to bring his bag inside, but allowed to take everything out of it, put it in his pockets, and put the bag in his pocket
    • Security guard saying to Ryan "Boy, you ain't even wearing underwear" when he had on boxer shorts (and who says that?)
    • Trying to convince the ticket guy to abandon his post
    • Sarah sick again
    • Walking halfway around the arena to find water
    • Sitting with Sarah in the balcony, talking about downer things
    • Being cold in the arena
    • Hanging out on the terrace
    • Guy on the terrace breaking his neck to look at Jenny's boobs
    • Staying for the end of the show with Ryan
    • Nice walk back to the hotel
    • Trying to get my crew to leave at 5am
    • Kelli insisting "Matt needs sleep"
    • Talking with Will about social issues
    • Watching Dave and Kate trip
    • Sitting on the wall by the bay, in the sun, wearing Dave's hat
    • Seeing a huge inflatable guitar and thinking I was hallucinating
    • Realizing everyone else saw it too
    • Getting the show on the road around noon
    • Driving the entire way home, averaging about 85 mph (and barely keeping up with traffic)
    • Talking with Ryan about money issues
    • Matt and Anneka going on and on about why drugs should be illegal
    • Calling Matt a hypocrite, then apologizing
    • Trying to explain what I don't like about the electronic music genre, and being attacked by everyone in the car
    • Losing my voice
    • Seeing shadow people in the road when I returned the rental car
    • Staying up until 5am instead of crashing immediately
    • Rolling change and putting it in a jar to start next year's Ultra fund


    Blogger Dean said...

    Holy crap. That's quite a list.

    Didn't make me want to be there, though. Except maybe for the spanking part.

    4:44 PM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    wait... van buuren, oakenfold, ferry corsten, tiesto, carl cox AND sasha and digweed??? oh my god.

    totally makes me want to be there. maybe i should go next year - could be a fun easter trip.

    8:23 AM  
    Blogger D.T. said...

    LOL! WOW! Dude, that sounded like so much fun! Promise me, before you get too old, (lol) that you'll take me to a rave!

    11:35 AM  
    Blogger Chris said...

    hahaha awesome

    1:41 AM  
    Blogger the Arrogant Fool said...

    Dean - it wasn't for everyone, that's for sure. I'm just glad I found it worthwhile.

    Paul - you SHOULD go next year. There were a ton of Europeans there.

    David - Silly, I'm already too old for raves.

    1:34 AM  

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    Some Things You Just Can't Blog (Effectively)

    I'm back, after a brief, unplanned hiatus. Well, some of it was planned, I just didn't make a big deal of announcing it on Blogger. I wonder if I'm getting tired of blogging already. I wonder if this is quicker than I usually get bored of things, or if I've actually stuck with this awhile.

    But for now, I don't feel like blogging is a duty - it's still something I want to do. It's just hard sometimes to figure out my audience. Like last weekend - I went to Ultra. I'd been bitching for awhile to anyone I came into contact with about how clusterfuct this trip was, and I have to admit that everyone I talked to who WASN'T going told me it sounded horrible and that I shouldn't go. Of course, everyone who WAS going (and especially those wise folks who'd gone LAST year) told me to just relax, everything would work out and it would be so worth it.

    Well, I'm not sure everything worked out, but it was so worth it.

    It took me awhile to process what all happened (and to recover from 37 hours without sleep), and then I didn't want to blog Ultra because I'd already told a lot of people about it, and you can't really EXPLAIN Ultra to someone who didn't go, and if I was only writing this for myself, then how exactly did I want to write it? I mean, I'm not going to forget most of it any time soon. Do I recall the BIG happenings (Seeing Tiesto, Digweed), or the people I saw from Central Florida (like Jeppetto, Tiffany, Courtney and Juan), or the weird things (getting spanked by that British gal, the security guy asking Ryan why he wasn't wearing any underwear), or the BAD things (Joe's trucking blowing a tire, Dave's car blowing a tire, that guy who wouldn't give me any water), or the amazing things (being with Ryan when Tiesto spun "our song", dancing my SOBER ass off during Carl Cox's incredible set). . . it's hard to make a decision.

    I think I'll resort to a list.

    Then, since I've been back, my cousin Rob flew in for business (on a mission from Scott's to eradicate fire ants in the south) and we went out to dinner. Some magic mushrooms are drying in my fridge, waiting for four of us to have a sunny day free (this is about as likely as all the planets aligning). My neighbor Rico was kicked out of his apartment, might be staying at the homeless shelter and I'm just waiting for him to ask if he can stay here (to which I'm going to say no, and I'm going to feel bad about it). Ryan is having surgery on Monday, I have an assignment due worth 25% of my LIS grade and I finally got to have sex last night after being out of commission for at least two weeks, and I was more nervous that the first time. With anyone. Ever.

    I have a Lord of the Rings day calendar sitting by my mouse. I only get one picture for Saturday/Sunday. This weekend it is a really nasty-looking Orc (but aren't they all nasty-looking?). I'm half tempted to go ahead and flip it to Monday, and be confused all weekend, just to have a better picture. Ah well.


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