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    Wednesday, March 23, 2005

    Kelly, From The Ground Up

    • I have long, narrow feet with very high arches. I used to keep my toenails either candy-apple red or an equally bold fuchsia, but about a year ago I decided nail polish was probably toxic and stopped using it all together.
    • I've always had muscular calves, but when I played sports I could sit cross-legged and hold a soda can on the platform the muscle made. Can't anymore.
    • I have some stretch marks on my inner thighs which go away if I get some sun. I think I have cellulite too, but I'm not really worried about it - it's in the back, so I don't often see it.
    • I have freakishly long legs. I also have the hamstrings of someone half my size. This makes me horribly inflexible. All my yoga and pilates instructors can't figure out how to help. In class, I'll look like I'm just taking a break while everyone else is doing some kind of toe touch, but in reality I'm working harder than anyone - I just can't reach far enough.
    • I don't shave my legs very often. I used to get them waxed, then I started doing it myself. Now I have one of those machines that plucks the hairs out. I had some electrolysis done a couple of years ago, but it was so incredibly painful and the results weren't dramatic enough to continue. I'd like to have laser hair removal done eventually, but right now I don't want to make that investment.
    • My butt isn't huge, but it's decent size. I wouldn't want it to be any smaller though. My hips are wide enough I could be called "curvy".
    • My stomach is a little flabby, and the right side sticks out further than the left. It's been that way for at least five years. Even when I was 25 pounds lighter than I am now, it was still a little lopsided. I actually have very strong abs, but they are hidden under that layer of flab.
    • I had a slight curve in my back when I was in middle school. Not enough to need a brace or anything, but enough that I never feel aligned in yoga. I think this is why I don't sleep well.
    • I love my boobs. They are smallish, probably not quite a B but I haven't worn a bra in so long it's hard to say. I think I have small nipples, but Ryan says they're huge. I always thought they were the size of a pencil eraser, but now that I've compared, he's right - they're much bigger than that. Not quite a tootsie roll though. Also, if they get any sun, my nipples blend right in with the rest of my chest.
    • I carry all my tension in my shoulders and neck. I have on knot on the right side that's been there at least since middle school - that was the first time a masseuse ever touched me, and to the best of my knowledge, no massaging, yoga, or gels have ever gotten rid of it (and if they did, it came right back).
    • I have an incredibly weak upper body. I can't do a push up. I've never been able to do a chin up. (I ordered a doorway pull up bar, so once that's installed I hope to give it a try every time I walk from here to the kitchen, so maybe this will improve).
    • I've broken my left arm three different times, in four different places.
    • My fingers are very long and narrow. I keep my fingernails short and don't paint them.
    • I think I have bad skin. I used to have VERY bad skin, and I'm sure that my face looks great compared to what it looked like five years ago, but I feel that at 25 I shouldn't be dealing with the number of blemishes I have. Even so, I hardly ever wear make-up - maybe once every two weeks something will come up that I'll put on foundation for.
    • I have hazel eyes. They are very near-sighted. I have a cowlick in my right eyebrow, so getting them even is a chore.
    • I have 6 gauge holes in each earlobe. This is my only body modification as of right now. The left ear has some scar tissue from the last stretch (I wasn't patient) so I'm waiting awhile before I stretch again. Right now the goal is 2 gauge, but we'll see if I ever make it there, or if I decide that's still not big enough once I am there.
    • I used to color my hair at home, just for kicks, then started getting highlights done professionally. I had fun for awhile with orange and purple streaks, but highlights are expensive and by the time I moved to Florida, I didn't have the money or the desire to be high maintenance. I plucked two silver hairs out of the top of my head last week. My hair is past my shoulders now, but if I get serious about the motorcycle, I may take five inches off so it all stays in the helmet.


    Blogger sxKitten said...

    I'm with you on the long legs/short hamstring thing and boob size. Maybe we're long-lost sisters :-)

    This is a cool idea for a post - I may steal it if you don't mind.

    10:28 PM  
    Blogger Wheelson said...

    Hazel eyes are the best. I think they make a person look friendly. Plus you can use it as an excuse to not get pinched on St. Patrick's Day.

    12:32 AM  
    Blogger the Arrogant Fool said...

    sxkitten - Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Go for it, I'd love to read someone else's.

    wheelson - I never even thought them for St Patty's... instead I wore this hideous lime shirt... next year I'll be prepared though!

    1:39 AM  
    Blogger Je t'aime said...

    not being perfect is beautiful!!!

    I love this idea for a post.
    Maybe one day, I will steal it too!

    7:13 PM  

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    Sunday, March 20, 2005


    Chapter One

    So there's this new site for meeting people with similar interests. It's called Memetika. It's interesting because anyone can create a group, or meme, about anything they want - there are categories for books, music, movies, activities, and general culture - then you can see how many memes you have in common with other people. If you create a meme but no one joins it, after two days it goes extinct. It's kind of like the best of the facebook and any site that allows you to view people's profiles. And for now, it's free.

    Chapter Two

    Every once in awhile, there will be something that I "must" do, but I don't want to do, and I'll get all bent out of shape about it. It's usually an assignment for class, and there have been a couple of times that I've just decided not to do an assignment and dealt with whatever consequences that decision brought. This time it was an assignment that was due February 28th, but we get one "no questions asked" late assignment in this class, so I decided to blow it off. The timing seemed right - I was going to Tampa to visit my family the weekend before it was due, and the next week was spring break - seemed like a good time to catch up.

    The problem that I didn't see was that I just didn't seem to get what the assignment was about. By the time I realized I needed to talk to my professor about it, well, it was already due. Then, she went to London over spring break, so I couldn't exactly drop by her office and ask her about it. I also didn't want to ask her about it because I'm doing very well in the class, and I didn't want her to suddenly think I'm a moron.

    So I put it off, put it off, but I couldn't really relax and enjoy anything because I kept saying "you should be working on that paper". Well, yesterday I went on a hunger strike. I actually refused to eat until I finished the paper. It sort of worked - I'd find my mind wondering, I'd be playing around online instead of doing research, and suddenly, my stomach would growl. I'd think to myself "I should eat something..." but instead of going to the kitchen, I'd go back to work on the paper.

    Around 8pm I was on the closing paragraph, and I broke down and ate some pizza with Ryan. It then took me until 2am to finish that paragraph, but I finally submitted the assignment. It was about 600 words shorter than it should have been, and it might be the worst paper I've ever written in my life, but at least it's done and I don't have to think about it anymore.

    Chapter 3


    This Friday, I am heading to Miami with all my raver friends for the biggest electronic music show in the country. I'm not going to even try to list all the artists that are performing - just check that link of you're interested. This is the most clusterfuct trip I've ever been a part of. I've rented a car, but everyone going is under 25 so I have to register my other drivers AND pay extra to give them the privilege to drive. The other couple that was supposed to be riding with Ryan and myself are fighting right now. He thinks that She is hooking up with another friend of ours, who is not only also going, but is the brother of the girl who booked the hotel. The hotel that 20 of us are going to be crashing in for two nights.

    I don't need this kind of drama. I am 25 years old. The fact that I am going to drive 8+ hours, crash on the floor somewhere, wake up, dress like a teenager, take some kind of hallucinogen, dance for 13 HOURS, find somewhere to crash for a couple hours and then drive 8+ hours home is amazing enough. There doesn't need to be a full-blown relationship disintegration thrown in too. And this couple, they're the kind who love to have huge ugly fights right out in front of everyone else. Good times!

    I refused to have a bad attitude about this. Everything is going to be alright (I keep telling myself).

    Chapter Four

    I turned down a job last week, after nearly three month of frantically trying to get one. This seems counterintuitive, but there were a number of forces at work. First, I decided to go to school full-time this summer, so I couldn't have worked the hours the job required. Second, I wasn't real excited about the job - data entry at a car dealership. Not real life-affirming. But the main reason was because they wanted me to take a drug test.

    Now, I don't talk about my drug use a whole lot on this site, mostly because I don't want to be thought of as a stereotypical drug user. If I had taken this test, there is no doubt in my mind I would pass - in fact, I took one last summer, during the height of my drug use, and passed it no problem. The only recreational drugs I take are ones that exit the system after only a couple of days, and I've only done them three times so far this year. It's just the principle of drug testing that bothers me. What exactly is being accomplished by a pre-employment drug screen? If I smoked pot two weekends before being hired, I'd most likely fail the drug screen, but that doesn't mean that I have some kind of problem that would impair me at the job. On the other hand, if I snorted a line of coke on the way to the drug screen, I could still piss clean. How fair is that?

    Now is not the time to list all the social ramifications of drug screening, but I decided after that test last summer that I didn't want to work for a company that required a drug screen. It's a matter of principle. But I was so desperate for a job, when the car dealership told me I'd have to take one, I just nodded my head. I felt pretty low for a couple days, and I finally realized that if I went through with the drug test, I'd hate myself. It doesn't matter that I'd pass, even though I'd partied about a week and a half before - it mattered that there are plenty of people out there who do NOT have drug problems, who would be fine employees, but who wouldn't be able to have a job like mine because their drug of choice stays in the system longer. I'd feel like a traitor. So I didn't take the job.

    Chapter Five

    When I had my biopsy last week, the nurse told me that I couldn't resume normal activities (aka have sex) for two or three days. I decided to be extra careful and waited four days. Last week, I started having a lot of pain and finally went to the student health center to see what was wrong. As I explained to the nurse the timeline of the surgery, the biopsies, the sex and the pain she got all excited and was like, "You had sex after FOUR DAYS!" I guess I should have waited two weeks. I told her that the other nurse (at a different clinic) had told me two or three days, and she was appalled. So now I'm out of commission and I feel like shit. What a combination.

    She also told me that my cervix is twice as big as a normal cervix. I'm not sure this will ever do me any good (in fact, it seems to be a problem since it keeps wanting to develop tumors) but now I know myself that much better.

    Chapter Six

    I took the bike out today. Third time on the road, whoo-hoo! I'm still not comfortable riding alone, because making navigation decisions in addition to everything else might cause my brain to have a meltdown. I was doing all sorts of things wrong today, but, just like the other times, I didn't die so I guess I'm learning.

    Ryan's friend Kevin went with us for awhile. Ryan led, Kevin brought up the rear, and I was the meat in a motorcycle sandwich. Even though Kevin didn't give me a hard time, I quickly learned how to take off fast because I knew he was waiting behind me. We wanted to eat at Fazoli's, and you have to make a U-turn across three lanes of traffic to get into the place - my execution was flawless. I felt pretty good about myself after that. I also maneuvered some hills in stop and go traffic without stalling out. I'll tame that thing yet!

    Chapter Seven

    I'm convinced there is a thin, muscular woman inside of me, and she's trying to get out. I went running last Monday (running is a stretch - I'd sprint a block or two, then walk half a mile gasping for air) and was sore until Friday. Baby steps. Don't worry honey, I hear you. I'll get you out of there, I promise.


    This post is 300 words longer than that paper I was bitching about in Chapter Two.


    Blogger D.T. said...

    Chapter 1
    So what's your Memetika?

    Chapter 2
    OMG...reading about your procrastination, was like reading about myself. Seriously, I wait until the night before it's due and somehow I'm able to pull out total bullshit from my ass and turn it into an "A" paper.

    P.S. I think it's so funny, that it took you forever to write your one paper, when it took you less time to write this post.

    Chapter 3
    Im freakin' jealous that you didnt invite me. But I'll forgive you if you bring me back a glow stick.

    Chapter 4
    I hate drug tests! I'm always afraid I'm gonna fail it and then I'm afraid something real bad is gonna happen to me. But I'm glad you stuck to your princibles.

    Chapter 5
    LMAO...funny how sex can bring so much bliss and so much pain all at the same time, huh?

    Chapter 6
    "I was the meat in a motorcycle sandwich." Good thing it wasnt a sex sandwich, huh?

    Chapter 7
    Just promise me it wont be like that scene in Alien.

    2:52 PM  
    Blogger the Arrogant Fool said...

    David - I don't understand how you have time for the crazy life you describe in your blog AND still leave comments on other blogs. You are my hero.

    11:59 AM  

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    Sunday, March 13, 2005

    Fear Is The Mind-Killer

    "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
    Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, from Dune

    I love the works of Neale Donald Walsh. If there is one idea from his books that has really rang true for me, it is that all decisions are based on either love or fear - that all emotions boil down to one of these. At my best I embrace this idea and shun all decisions based in fear.

    Lately though, fear has been creeping back into my life. Partially because of how last November's elections went, partially because the police were rumored to have caught wind of the activities I was involved in last summer, partly because I watched my money draining away and no job in site, partially because of my (unsuccessful) surgery and the denials of my insurance claims . . .

    Some of the things I feared were beyond my control, some of them were the direct results of my actions, but the fear began to slowly erode my self confidence until I realized that I wasn't even leaving the house for days at a time.

    I've been working hard at turning the fear around, loving myself, the people around me and the things I do, but it is quite a process and I often slip back into living in fear.

    My fear of the motorcycle was twofold: I was afraid of getting into an accident and hurting myself, but I was probably MORE afraid of not being a good rider and looking silly. This fear was increased by the fact that I'm a woman, since (at least in this town) riding is the realm of the kind of uber-macho guys I don't normally associate with. I was afraid of not being able to keep up, of feeling like I have to prove myself, of not having the ability to do so, pushing too hard, and then getting myself killed trying.

    Of course, Ryan isn't one of those kind of guys. He's never told me I couldn't ride (or do anything for that matter) just because I don't have a cock. I finally confessed my fears to him, and although he couldn't really relate, he saw how to encourage me without being patronizing, and to give me pointers without making me feel like he expected me to fail.

    So yesterday we went out on a REAL ride. We probably only rode ten miles, but since we live downtown, this was quite a feat. We rode to the speed shop, and I didn't crash in front of the other riders. The shop is situated a level below the street, so it's a pretty steep drive to get out. The street it is situated on is three lanes either direction with a lane in the middle - the main road from the freeway into the capital. I panicked pulling out and nearly hit Ryan, dropped the bike, drove into oncoming traffic, but I DIDN'T, and more importantly, I recovered quickly and enjoyed the rest of the ride.

    Riding is exhilarating, even at the easy pace I ride. And I'm learning to love the little mistakes I make. Yes, a mistake on a motorcycle could easily cost me my life, but it could also just make me learn what not to do next time, and increase my confidence as I think "wow, I just screwed up and I'm still alive!"

    Riding is reminding me that I create my reality, and if I keep telling myself I'm going to get in an accident and hurt myself, well, pretty soon I WILL get into an accident and hurt myself.

    Riding is also teaching me that I don't have to be perfect - that I can make small mistakes (or even some large ones) and I won't be destroyed utterly - but I can learn from them.

    Most importantly, I'm learning to love the bike instead of fear it, which is reflecting on how I feel about everything in my life. I'm not worrying about how others see me, but how well I think I'm doing. And as long as I love myself, I'll continue to do well.


    Blogger sxKitten said...

    Fear's insidious, isn't it? You don't realize how much control it has over you until you take a step back and look at yourself, which can be both time-consuming and painful.

    And it's easy to rationalize decisions when they're based on fear - our whole society today seems to be geared to being afraid. Fear of not fitting in, of smelling bad, of being attacked, of falling behind on the latest gadgets, shows and Oprah's picks.

    It takes a lot more strength - and courage - to stand up to your fears and face them down. I'm really glad you got on that bike. I hope you travel many thousands of miles together.

    2:27 PM  
    Blogger D.T. said...

    You know what else riding teaches you? It teaches you to keep your mouth shut. I remember when I went on my first ride, I threw up because I swallowed some kind of bug. Yeah. Flying throw up? Not a pretty sight.

    BTW, I hope everything works out for you. Just remember that in life a lot of bad things can happen to good people, but it's how you deal with it that's most important.

    1:17 PM  
    Blogger Dean said...

    Hey, you might not have a dick, but you've got some balls*. Life should be lived with balls, IMO.

    * I mean that in an entirely non-confrontational and sex-difference-friendly manner, of course. :)

    9:57 AM  

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    Friday, March 11, 2005


    Today I took the motorcycle out on the road for the first time ever.

    I finally got a leather riding jacket. It's pretty hot. I realized that this jacket looks too good to be a bitch jacket. It deserves better. Now I'm inspired to learn (plus, I have a nice protective jacket in case I fall off).

    Image Hosted by

    Pretty hot, eh?


    Blogger D.T. said...

    Check you out...

    5:31 PM  
    Blogger Dean said...

    That jacket looks like it would compress the sweater puppies a little.

    Although I suppose if you fall off, compressed tatas would actually be a good thing.

    8:34 PM  
    Blogger Gabe said...

    Congrast on getting out on the road. Wishing you many fun filled years of riding. I dig your jacket. And ya it is way too cool to be riding bitch. I have this one from hd. Not a big fan of the bikes but the leather is nice and I got a break on the price becaseu I worked for em. I think I said it before but you got a great starter bike. Bends you over a little too much for my liking and the seats never felt good to me, personal preference/minor stuff and both are an easy fixs. Feel free to ask me about such things. I worked for 6+ years as a tech for kawasaki.

    9:01 AM  

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    Thursday, March 10, 2005

    File This Under Too Much Information

    So yesterday, I got to see my cervix. It looks like a cream saver.
    Image Hosted by

    Honestly. I was lying there, and there was a monitor, and I could see what was happening. It was very surreal. I guess the cervix has no nerves, so when a biopsy is taken, you can't feel it like you would if it was taken out of your leg. I watched this evil claw-like thing grab my flesh and waited for the pain, but it never came. Instead, it just made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Very bizarre.

    So in two weeks I find out if I have to have more surgery. For what it's worth, I'm not really worried about it. I think I'm more worried that my insurance company is going to deny the claim for the biopsy than that it's going to say something is seriously wrong.

    In other news, I had a job interview today. I don't think it went so well. It was a committee interview, which just means that three people sat in the room with me and took turns asking me questions. The first question: "tell us about a time when you had to file things alphabetically." Umm... wow.

    So I made the lefthand sidebar so I could list books I've read and movies I've seen recently. My hope was that as new people come to the site, they might connect with me over something they too have seen or read. Unfortunately, there's no place for comments over there. Also, I read so much and see so many movies, that nothing ever stays on the list for very long. I guess if I really wanted to talk about books or movies, I should join a book or movie forum. I could also actually post about a particular book or movie (like many of you do). It is more interesting to just throw some titles over there and see if someone gets something out of them serendipitously.


    Blogger sxKitten said...

    Filing things alphabetically, huh? They've really set that bar high. Did the questions ever get any better?

    12:01 PM  

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    Saturday, March 05, 2005

    I Love Lists And Ryan

    1. Ryan is 5 years and 8 months younger than me.
    2. He is finishing up his second year in the graphic design program, but has yet to take a graphic design course.
    3. He doesn't believe in an afterlife of any sort (which I find frightening).
    4. He has so far worked at four different places in 2005.
    5. He grew up in California.
    6. He has 9/16" bamboo plugs in each ear, which were a Christmas present from me.
    7. He knows the url for this blog, but I have no idea if he reads it.
    8. He told me once that we've been in love for as long as we've known each other - it just took some time for us to realize it. That's pretty accurate.
    9. Right now he owns two motorcycles, one of which is going into my name as soon as I get a job.
    10. He has developed an intolerance to shellfish, which may be related to his pierced tongue. This is unfortunate since we both love shrimp. Now I suffer shrimp guilt whenever we eat out.
    11. His father died when he was three.
    12. He has a half brother ten years older who also has a girlfriend named Kelly.
    13. He's afraid of spiders.
    14. He babbles and twitches in his sleep, but thank god he doesn't snore.
    15. Two of his previous lovers have gone on to make adult videos.
    16. He weighs less than me.
    17. He has to have a hernia operation next month.
    18. He is incredible at liquid dancing and glowsticking, though kind of weird about having people watch him dance.
    19. He had a "chin bush" when we met August 2003. He shaved it off last summer. It took me a couple days to notice, though I did notice I was even more attracted to him than usual. He grew it back later.
    20. He has a Prince Albert that he no longer wears jewelry in. It'll never close up. The doctor he saw about the hernia thought it was a birth defect.
    21. He thinks his purpose in life is to help people. This may or may not be intentionally vague. This also may have happened, so he could die with his purpose fulfilled.
    22. He's always had a thing for Asian women
    23. For a long time, he only had one pair of shoes. He now has four. I'm so proud.
    24. He is the most important person in my life.
    25. He considered marrying me a couple of months after we met, just so I could get in-state tuition.
    26. He's never smoked a cigarette.
    27. I've never met anyone who can deal with my mood swings like he does. He seems to know when I need prodding to get out of a funk, and when I just need patience and to be left alone.
    28. He bought a car last year on eBay. Big mistake.
    29. He used to be very jealous and possessive in relationships, but he's doing the open relationship with me to teach himself to get over it. It's a process for both of us.
    30. He has no idea how many people I've slept with. He guessed too high once, but I wasn't at all offended.
    31. He spends a ridiculous amount of time on the internet.
    32. His mom is pretty high-maintenance in the attention department. At least she likes me.
    33. He has an amazing sense of self for someone so young. He thinks it was because he was bullied at lot when he was a kid.
    34. He doesn't know my email password. I don't know his. Otherwise, we don't really keep secrets.
    35. He's a cat person. So am I. He and my cat get along really well.
    36. He has VERY fair skin.
    37. He kisses like a girl, which is always good.
    38. He talked me into living with him. I thought he was crazy when he suggested the idea. So far, he's been right.
    39. He lets me make all the unimportance decisions because I'm such an Alpha.
    This post was inspired by Dean's list about the sxKitten.


    Blogger Dean said...

    I'm heavily flattered to be the inspiration for anything. Or, rather, for something I created to be the inspiration for anything.

    Interesting list. I would hold that the lists we (you and I, I mean, not list-makers in general) have made about our SOs indicate as much about us as they do about the SO.

    3:08 PM  
    Blogger Katz Nip said...

    he sounds lovely. Be good to him too. Im happy for you that your relationship is so good.

    4:06 AM  

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